Tolerated all kindsa spam mails for a good 7 years now - why, I even sent thank-you replies meticulously to every single one of those. The 'personalized' spams I have been receiving of late, however, have pushed me to the outer fringes of sanity, not that I was far from them anyway.
Sample these. The mails have been left unedited, seen here as in my mailbox - no tampering. The last one's a killer, no pun intended.
Balaji Sharma, being fired from your job or denied one in Burnet Woods?
Qualification wise, good job, better salary?
It's time to meet someone special
Uncollected Funds **$1,856** for Balaji Sharma Burnet Woods OH
What does Balaji Sharma and Terrorists have in common?
#5
*************************************************
Confidential Employee Report
reply-to Confidential Employee Report
to Balaji Sharma
date Jun 17, 2007 3:11 PM
subject Balaji Sharma, being fired from your job or denied one in Burnet Woods?
June 17, 2007
Dear Balaji,
Burnet Woods residents are being called into their supervisor's office - and fired? Happens all the time after your employer reviews regular confidential online reports about you. Because of identity theft, millions of Americans are walking around with rap sheets – some up to 10 pages long that they don't even know about until they are pulled over or try to get a job.
In fact, 30% of Americans now have rap sheets for things they didn't even do! See your report before it causes you trouble.
Free Report For:
Balaji Sharma
5812 Alessandro Ave.
Burnet Woods, OH 45220
What's wrong with this? For one, that's NOT where I stay. God knows how they matched a street address in California with a locality in Ohio. Shrinking world, huh? And I know I have cribbed about losing jobs in the past, but geez, I lost them because my bosses underestimated my stupidity when they hired me, and got wiser with time. Identity theft? Yeah, right. The guy'd be in for a rude shock.
Back to where the crap began
#4
*************************************************
Burnet Woods Jobs For Minorities
reply-to Burnet Woods Jobs For Minorities
to Balaji Sharma
date Jun 17, 2007 7:14 AM
subject Balaji, are you a minority making less than $20 an hour? If yes, check online for available jobs in Burnet Woods where you can make more.
Balaji,
Minorities Are Snatching Up Some Of The Highest Paying Jobs In Burnet Woods. If you're a minority and haven't taken advantage of the new jobs in high demand in Burnet Woods then you better get on board soon!
Even if you're not a minority, there may be special opportunites that are available to you in Burnet Woods. Employers in Burnet Woods are searching for folks to fill these top paying jobs. And you don't need a college degree!
Find out more online now.
http://www.betterjobbetterpay.com/m/?x=306401-477903-132
Ah, good. I get jobs if I am a minority, and I get them even if I am not. Social equality, stupid! Mishter Arjun Singh, you get the point?
Back to where the crap began
#3
*************************************************
Sonia Khan <6436689193295961868@mail.orkut.com>
reply-to Sonia Khan
to "COMICS AND CARTOONS TO DOWNLOAD"
date Jun 18, 2007 4:01 AM
mailed-by orkut.bounces.google.com
Hi friend,
Is your Qualification . BA, B COM, B.E., B.TECH, BSC, DIPLOMA, MA, MBA, MCA, M COM, MSC, PHD, PGDCA, (Qualification wise). And you want a good job with high salary.
Then you can find more information at:http://www.unlimitedjob.bravehost.com
Many thangs..........
Sonia,
Thangs indeed. It would take me more than a couple of lifetimes to have my visting card read "Balaji R Sharma, BA, B.Com, B.Tech blah blah....." And if someone does manage to spend a whole lifetime accumulating all those 'degrees', when exactly do you expect him to work? Getting 4 letters against my name has driven me bonkers, I can't imagine what the rest'd do to me. There is a limit to geekiness.
Back to where the crap began
#2
*************************************************
Many Dates to tyler.in.chicago@gmail.com
date Jun 8, 2007 10:14 AM
subject it's time to meet someone special
mailed-by couponbean.com
Dear Balaji,
Start on your road back
http://www.affineall.com/point/
You can also call 1-866-513-5020. Please speak slowly and clearly. All requests honored within 48 hours.
*************************************************
Almost made the call, but shucks! If only I were capable of speaking slowly and clearly....
Back to where the crap began
#1
************************************************
Sharma's Uncollected Funds
to Balaji Sharma
date Jun 15, 2007 6:34 AM
subject Uncollected Funds **$1,856** for Balaji Sharma Burnet Woods OH
mailed-by thmp20.com
Uncollected Funds: $1,856.00
Balaji,
We have a package reserved for Balaji Sharma regarding uncollected funds in the amount of $1,856.00.
These funds could be added to your next paycheck.
We will hold your package until midnight on 06/20/07. Your package reservation number is 3439-3324-2768-041607.
Confirm your information to arrange delivery:
http://thmp20.com/trak/?cid=3439-3324-2768&ec=THMP_TXT1&jc=EMJ202331
Balaji Sharma
5812 Alessandro Ave.
Burnet Woods OH 45220
Back to where the crap began
*************************************************
I momentarily regret living at the wrong address - even contemplated getting Bishop St renamed as Alessandro Av. Common sense prevailed, thankfully. This last one is one of the most imaginative pieces of writing I have come across.
#0 (The fixation with zero continues.)
*************************************************
reply-to The Burnet Woods Terrorist Report
to Balaji Sharma
date Jun 26, 2007 8:17 AM
subject What does Balaji Sharma and Terrorists have in common?
Is There A Terrorist Living at 5812 Alessandro Ave.?
U.S. Government may put Balaji Sharma on the most wanted list!
-Source: CNN.com 12/1/2006
Without Balaji Sharma's knowledge, you may have been assigned a Terrorist Score.* What is YOUR Terrorist Score?
It depends on where you live, what you buy, what car you drive and what kind of food you eat...Crazy. More Importantly What Balaji Sharma's credit score? These two scores work together to determine the future of Balaji's travel and financial plans. Improving your credit score will undoubtedly help keep you Terrorist score low. Here's how to make it happen.
If you are a risk financially then you may also appear to be a risk to national security. Don't let the U.S. Government determine how you, as an American Citizen, are being treated. Higher Credit Score = More Respect from the Government.
What's the easiest way to up your credit score?
Get Instant Debt Relief
Refinance Your House
Increase Your Income
Anne Ramsey
U.S. Citizen Protection Team
* Every person entering and leaving the United States by air, sea or land is scored by the Homeland Security Department's Automated Targeting System (ATS). The scores are based on ATS' analysis of their travel records and other data.
*************************************************
Let's look at this one a little more closely.
'What does Balaji and terrorists have in common?'
- Ask my friends and they might just give you a few spiced-up pointers. But while I might be accused of a gazillion odd things, I ain't no terrorisht.
'Is There A Terrorist Living at 5812 Alessandro Ave., Burnet Woods 45220?'
- Umm.. errr... with all due respect to the mailer's wisdom and sense of geography, shouldn't they first verify if a 5812 Alessandro Ave., Burnet Woods 45220 even exists? Imaginary terrorists, imaginary hideouts. 'They've attacked our imagination'.
And speaking for myself, I may be a bad cook and may have left a good lot of people with funny things happening in their intestines for over a week, but that DOES NOT qualify as biological warfare, nor does it make a terrorist of me. Am an innocent little kid - trust me for once.
'If you are a risk financially then you may also appear to be a risk to national security.'
'Higher Credit Score = More Respect from the Government.'
- I've read these sentences every which way I can, and am none the wiser. Can someone tell me how exactly they are supposed to sound logical?
*************************************************
I have, for reasons of propriety and mundanity, left out all those mails which offer free counselling to a divorced Balaji and help the poor chap find a new wife, as also the ones which tell me I can become a millionaire with just a few clicks on the internet - not to mention the ones which advise me how to lose 30 lbs in 30 days, and then regain those very 30 lbs in the next 30 days. There don't seem to be too many ways to get rid of spams flooding mailboxes, and as always, the best I did was to pass on the agony to folks around me. Will be back sooner than later. Until then, live your life in peace. May the Force be with you.
Back to where the crap began
Disclaimer. The posts above really were emails that I received over the last month. I have no affiliations to any kind of terrorists WHATSOEVER. I have not been fired from my present job, and much as I appreciate all those well-meaning spammers sending me jobs/free money and stuff, I am content with what I have. Thanks, but no thanks.
Sample these. The mails have been left unedited, seen here as in my mailbox - no tampering. The last one's a killer, no pun intended.
Qualification wise, good job, better salary?
#5
*************************************************
Confidential Employee Report
What's wrong with this? For one, that's NOT where I stay. God knows how they matched a street address in California with a locality in Ohio. Shrinking world, huh? And I know I have cribbed about losing jobs in the past, but geez, I lost them because my bosses underestimated my stupidity when they hired me, and got wiser with time. Identity theft? Yeah, right. The guy'd be in for a rude shock.
Back to where the crap began
#4
*************************************************
Burnet Woods Jobs For Minorities
Ah, good. I get jobs if I am a minority, and I get them even if I am not. Social equality, stupid! Mishter Arjun Singh, you get the point?
Back to where the crap began
#3
*************************************************
Sonia Khan <6436689193295961868@mail.orkut.com>
reply-to Sonia Khan
Thangs indeed. It would take me more than a couple of lifetimes to have my visting card read "Balaji R Sharma, BA, B.Com, B.Tech blah blah....." And if someone does manage to spend a whole lifetime accumulating all those 'degrees', when exactly do you expect him to work? Getting 4 letters against my name has driven me bonkers, I can't imagine what the rest'd do to me. There is a limit to geekiness.
Back to where the crap began
#2
*************************************************
Many Dates
Start on your road back
http://www.affineall.com/point/
*************************************************
Almost made the call, but shucks! If only I were capable of speaking slowly and clearly....
Back to where the crap began
#1
************************************************
Sharma's Uncollected Funds
to Balaji Sharma
date Jun 15, 2007 6:34 AM
subject Uncollected Funds **$1,856** for Balaji Sharma Burnet Woods OH
mailed-by thmp20.com
Uncollected Funds: $1,856.00
Balaji,
We have a package reserved for Balaji Sharma regarding uncollected funds in the amount of $1,856.00.
These funds could be added to your next paycheck.
We will hold your package until midnight on 06/20/07. Your package reservation number is 3439-3324-2768-041607.
Confirm your information to arrange delivery:
http://thmp20.com/trak/?cid=3439-3324-2768&ec=THMP_TXT1&jc=EMJ202331
Balaji Sharma
5812 Alessandro Ave.
Burnet Woods OH 45220
Back to where the crap began
*************************************************
I momentarily regret living at the wrong address - even contemplated getting Bishop St renamed as Alessandro Av. Common sense prevailed, thankfully. This last one is one of the most imaginative pieces of writing I have come across.
#0 (The fixation with zero continues.)
*************************************************
reply-to The Burnet Woods Terrorist Report
to Balaji Sharma
date Jun 26, 2007 8:17 AM
subject What does Balaji Sharma and Terrorists have in common?
Is There A Terrorist Living at 5812 Alessandro Ave.?
U.S. Government may put Balaji Sharma on the most wanted list!
-Source: CNN.com 12/1/2006
Without Balaji Sharma's knowledge, you may have been assigned a Terrorist Score.* What is YOUR Terrorist Score?
It depends on where you live, what you buy, what car you drive and what kind of food you eat...Crazy. More Importantly What Balaji Sharma's credit score? These two scores work together to determine the future of Balaji's travel and financial plans. Improving your credit score will undoubtedly help keep you Terrorist score low. Here's how to make it happen.
If you are a risk financially then you may also appear to be a risk to national security. Don't let the U.S. Government determine how you, as an American Citizen, are being treated. Higher Credit Score = More Respect from the Government.
What's the easiest way to up your credit score?
Get Instant Debt Relief
Refinance Your House
Increase Your Income
Anne Ramsey
U.S. Citizen Protection Team
* Every person entering and leaving the United States by air, sea or land is scored by the Homeland Security Department's Automated Targeting System (ATS). The scores are based on ATS' analysis of their travel records and other data.
*************************************************
Let's look at this one a little more closely.
'What does Balaji and terrorists have in common?'
- Ask my friends and they might just give you a few spiced-up pointers. But while I might be accused of a gazillion odd things, I ain't no terrorisht.
'Is There A Terrorist Living at 5812 Alessandro Ave., Burnet Woods 45220?'
- Umm.. errr... with all due respect to the mailer's wisdom and sense of geography, shouldn't they first verify if a 5812 Alessandro Ave., Burnet Woods 45220 even exists? Imaginary terrorists, imaginary hideouts. 'They've attacked our imagination'.
And speaking for myself, I may be a bad cook and may have left a good lot of people with funny things happening in their intestines for over a week, but that DOES NOT qualify as biological warfare, nor does it make a terrorist of me. Am an innocent little kid - trust me for once.
'If you are a risk financially then you may also appear to be a risk to national security.'
'Higher Credit Score = More Respect from the Government.'
- I've read these sentences every which way I can, and am none the wiser. Can someone tell me how exactly they are supposed to sound logical?
*************************************************
I have, for reasons of propriety and mundanity, left out all those mails which offer free counselling to a divorced Balaji and help the poor chap find a new wife, as also the ones which tell me I can become a millionaire with just a few clicks on the internet - not to mention the ones which advise me how to lose 30 lbs in 30 days, and then regain those very 30 lbs in the next 30 days. There don't seem to be too many ways to get rid of spams flooding mailboxes, and as always, the best I did was to pass on the agony to folks around me. Will be back sooner than later. Until then, live your life in peace. May the Force be with you.
Back to where the crap began
Disclaimer. The posts above really were emails that I received over the last month. I have no affiliations to any kind of terrorists WHATSOEVER. I have not been fired from my present job, and much as I appreciate all those well-meaning spammers sending me jobs/free money and stuff, I am content with what I have. Thanks, but no thanks.
5 comments:
Haha.. yet another funny read. Atleast you don't get 126627 mails with subjects like "Erectile dysfunction? Try RiseUp" or "Viagra - cheaper by the dozen" every day. I do.
Oh I do, and I left the below-the-belt ones intentionally, but 126627? Suddenly, I feel so much better. :)
sub: Balaji, get more comments on your blogs!
Promised success on appreciation of your sense of humor and style of writing. Get more people to read and understand your blogs.
Respond back with a oneliner on the mail below to spread across.
there.saurabh@gmail.com
@Saurabh: Is the offer still on?
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