Been bugging people for almost 22 years now, assuming I did give my folks some peace the first year of my existence. To be honest, I did pat myself on the back on more occasions than one for being arguably one of the best at the bugging job. If you know me, you'd know that anyway.
Very recently, I met my match - someone who actually dared to bug me, and did it better than my own self. The Cimex Lectularius, better known to us as the common bedbugs, have robbed me of my sleep, BOTH during the day and the night, for over a week now. We, that would be a single-handed me on one side, and the whole bugging lot of them on the other side, have been trying to assert our supremacy over each other for the last week now, and it hurts my pride a good deal to admit I haven't exactly been successful.
Being the highly sincere nerd that I have always been, I didn't miss out on the gyaan part during our oneupmanship tussle. Here goes.
Five ways that will NOT help you get rid of bedbugs.
#1 : Indifference
Worked well on a certain Eric Cartman, and I saw little reason why it shouldn't work on anyone/anything else. Ignored them, pretended I didn't care a hoot when they sucked my blood, drop by drop every passing moment. Very bravely stuck to this plan for a good 2 days, and I think I ought to get some credit for that alone. I had no way of knowing it wouldn't work on those pesky bedbugs. Those darned things have no such thing as self-respect.
#2 : Pay them back in the same coins
Well, I didn't exactly start sucking their blood, should you wonder, though the thought did cross my mind - one of the only times I regretted being a die-hard vegetarian. Bugged them back - tried everything from Magnetohydrodynamics to my thoughts on how wearing one's right sock before the left one was more efficient than the other way. Was failproof with humans. As I was to learn later, it takes a lot more to bug bugs.
# 3 : Divide and conquer
Tried pitting them against one another. Classified them every which way I could - Leftist bugs and Rightist bugs, Liverpool bugs and ManU bugs, Pro-evolution bugs and Anti-evolution bugs. Even tried segregating them into fans of Himesh Reshammiya and the non-fans, but turned out all the bugs were his fans (no disrespect intended towards Shri Reshammiya, just so you know). The bedbugs seem to demonstrate a highly remarkable sense of unity within themselves, a lesson we humans can't afford to miss.
# 4 : Break them from within
Tried telling them they were a lowly species unworthy of sharing the same planet as us. Told them they were a much inferior race to us humans, only to have them tell me what they thought of us. I went mute.
# 5 : THE punishment.
With Sāma, Dāna and Bheda having failed miserably, I had little choice but to go for the Danda. Did the best I could - feed them the leftovers of what I cooked and survived. Was at a loss to know whether I should have felt elated or depressed when they ended up relishing every bit of it.
Sreenidhi, my esteemed roommate here, tells me it might be more prudent if I washed my sleeping bag, maintained my room cleaner, used disinfectants on the bugs and kept doing periodic checks to ensure they don't return. While the saner part of me tells me Sree's right, as he almost always is, besides the obvious fact that that sounds like a lot of work, the uber-lazy side of me fails to see any elegance in the solution. I can only imagine how glad it makes you feel when I tell you the bugger continues to be bugged. What goes around, comes around?
Very recently, I met my match - someone who actually dared to bug me, and did it better than my own self. The Cimex Lectularius, better known to us as the common bedbugs, have robbed me of my sleep, BOTH during the day and the night, for over a week now. We, that would be a single-handed me on one side, and the whole bugging lot of them on the other side, have been trying to assert our supremacy over each other for the last week now, and it hurts my pride a good deal to admit I haven't exactly been successful.
Being the highly sincere nerd that I have always been, I didn't miss out on the gyaan part during our oneupmanship tussle. Here goes.
Five ways that will NOT help you get rid of bedbugs.
#1 : Indifference
Worked well on a certain Eric Cartman, and I saw little reason why it shouldn't work on anyone/anything else. Ignored them, pretended I didn't care a hoot when they sucked my blood, drop by drop every passing moment. Very bravely stuck to this plan for a good 2 days, and I think I ought to get some credit for that alone. I had no way of knowing it wouldn't work on those pesky bedbugs. Those darned things have no such thing as self-respect.
#2 : Pay them back in the same coins
Well, I didn't exactly start sucking their blood, should you wonder, though the thought did cross my mind - one of the only times I regretted being a die-hard vegetarian. Bugged them back - tried everything from Magnetohydrodynamics to my thoughts on how wearing one's right sock before the left one was more efficient than the other way. Was failproof with humans. As I was to learn later, it takes a lot more to bug bugs.
# 3 : Divide and conquer
Tried pitting them against one another. Classified them every which way I could - Leftist bugs and Rightist bugs, Liverpool bugs and ManU bugs, Pro-evolution bugs and Anti-evolution bugs. Even tried segregating them into fans of Himesh Reshammiya and the non-fans, but turned out all the bugs were his fans (no disrespect intended towards Shri Reshammiya, just so you know). The bedbugs seem to demonstrate a highly remarkable sense of unity within themselves, a lesson we humans can't afford to miss.
# 4 : Break them from within
Tried telling them they were a lowly species unworthy of sharing the same planet as us. Told them they were a much inferior race to us humans, only to have them tell me what they thought of us. I went mute.
# 5 : THE punishment.
With Sāma, Dāna and Bheda having failed miserably, I had little choice but to go for the Danda. Did the best I could - feed them the leftovers of what I cooked and survived. Was at a loss to know whether I should have felt elated or depressed when they ended up relishing every bit of it.
Sreenidhi, my esteemed roommate here, tells me it might be more prudent if I washed my sleeping bag, maintained my room cleaner, used disinfectants on the bugs and kept doing periodic checks to ensure they don't return. While the saner part of me tells me Sree's right, as he almost always is, besides the obvious fact that that sounds like a lot of work, the uber-lazy side of me fails to see any elegance in the solution. I can only imagine how glad it makes you feel when I tell you the bugger continues to be bugged. What goes around, comes around?
7 comments:
hahaha! hilarious!
P.S. bugs in burnet? times have changed!
NRI chicks are getting smarter by the day sire. They dun fall for us dunderheads anymore. Why, you filthy villager get more than your share of those back in India than I do here.
Will keep my eyes and ears open though. If they can make a better post than bugs, that's all I care for.
Why dont you invite them to dinner and start of with your usual mokkais. At some point they might feel their bugging and sucking is the reason, and might leave you out of sympathy.
Nice article. I was initially wondering why you didnt tell me inspite of finding your ideal match !!
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